Emotional Mastery | Self-Worth
When people speak about self-Worth, they might be speaking about self-esteem and vice versa. Both are of course related and are often seen as synonyms, however there are not the same. While self-esteem is external oriented - there is derived from source outside us, self-worth is internal oriented – It comes from within.
Self-esteem is what we believe, think, feel about ourselves and it fluctuates based on external influencers to oneself. In the same way that our thoughts and feelings have a direct impact on our results, behaviour and performance, it does have on our self-esteem.
Jane, one of my executive clients recently learned about her self-esteem and how it fluctuates this way: She experienced a boost in her self-esteem after she received compliments on a sales presentation at work and 3 hours later at home, she was suffering from low self-esteem after she didn’t well manage an argumentation with her teenage daughter.
Self-Worth is how we value ourselves despite our results, what others may think or what is happening outside us. That is why our self-worth doesn't change, when external factors or circumstances change. It means feeling that we are worthy of good things and deserve them all - happiness, health, wealth, love – irrespective of difficulties we face, the number of “NO” we get, or the type of curveballs the universe throws at us. It also means believing that what we have to offer is enough, without conditions and accepting ourselves wholeheartedly at all times despites flaws, weaknesses and limitations.
Self-Worth is recognizing and accepting the innate Truth that I am perfect and oneness. It’s a deep knowing that I am loveable, necessary to this life and that I am of invaluable worth.
“Self-Worth is our innate power and with this innate power, nothing is impossible”
The question I discussed with Jane in that session was about how to build self-worth? …And the good news is, we don’t have to build it from scratch, rather we might build it up again, then babies are born knowing their self-worth, but as life moves on, the educations, expectations, comments and attitudes of other people can change this innate sense of Self-Worth.
“It’s not what you are that holds you back,
It’s what you think you’re not.”
-- Denis Waitley
Building up your self-worth again is no doubt of tremendous value and definitely an approach to mastery in life and Leadership and you might consider the following 3 disciplines to learn, practice and live them for building up again your self-worth.
Discipline 1: Awareness
“Know yourself and you will win all battles.”
-- Lao-Tzu
The first discipline involves getting to know yourself at a deeper level and more profound level. There are many aspects of awareness, each of which is important to the process of mastering self-worth. Some of those aspects are:
Self-awareness – your belief system, values, thoughts, feelings, emotional responses, energy level etc…
The following simple 3 steps thought experiment can help you learn, practice and develop self-awareness.
Imagine that everything you have is suddenly taken away from you (i.e., possessions, relationships, friendships, status, job/career, accomplishments and achievements, etc.);
Ask yourself the following questions:
a. What if everything I have was suddenly taken away from me?
b. What if all I had left was just myself?
c. How would that make me feel?
d. What would I actually have that would be of value?Think about your answers to these questions and see if you can come to this conclusion: “No matter what happens externally and no matter what’s taken away from me, I’m not affected internally”
Awareness of Reality - How real is your reality?
One way to think of awareness is that it is the ability to know “what is.” This refers to the ability to discern what is actually happening from your mind’s interpretation of what is happening. You make interpretations all day long. A big aspect of being aware is knowing you do that, then knowing what the facts are, and then identifying your interpretation of those facts. If you are telling yourself that your position, your bank account or the numbers of likes you have on social media increase your worth as a human being, or if you are emotional about an outcome, or if you are judging yourself by some standard, you have moved away from the facts and have made an interpretation. When you realize that what you believe, see and think are a result of your internal filters, you can open yourself up to consider other possibilities
Outer Awareness – The awareness of the presence of others (including the energy and influence of those around you)
Now step outside “you” and create your outer awareness. It’s important to become familiar with the social and environmental factors that influence your self-worth and devise strategies that will help you unlock how you see yourself with no masks or inhibitions.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Who I am? I am . . . I am not . . .
How am I?
How am I in the world?
How do others see me?
How do others speak about me?
What key life moments define who I am today?
What brings me the most passion, fulfilment, and joy?
What outside or inside me helps me perform best or limit my performance?
Who you are and how you see yourself are keys to understanding your true value. How others see you and how they speak about you, is also, of course, important. But this isn’t so much about them but rather about how you feel about yourself as a result of how others see or speak about you.
And there are those key life moments that bring you the most joy, passion, and fulfilment. These are the things that helps you understand your worth and unlock the value you bring to the world.
Discipline 2: Acceptance
When you practice the Discipline of awareness, you are able to clearly see “what is” and “what was”. You likely also understand how you see yourself and the world around you. The next step is to accept that – to say, in effect “everything is (and was) perfectly okay.” When you fully practice acceptance – of yourself, of others and of situations – you are completely non-judgmental; simply acknowledging the experience of “what is” without rating it as “good” or “bad” or “ugly”. Practicing self-acceptance requires embracing yourself, just as you are. It requires that you know that you are who you are, and that you are perfect just that way. You don’t have to be, do, or know anything more than you do right now in order to accept yourself today.
Without practicing acceptance, it is nearly impossible to achieve mastery. Only by practicing acceptance, you will be able to let go of everything that’s been holding you back all these years and remember your invaluable worth.
Discipline 3: Love
“The fact that someone else loves you doesn’t rescue you from the project of loving yourself”
— Sahaj Kohli
After you have created awareness and have fully accepted yourself, it’s now time to acknowledge your true value and you can do so by practicing self-love. Which basically means treating yourself with kindness, tolerance, generosity and compassion.
Compassion, of course, comes through self-love, which comes from self-acceptance, which stems from self-awareness. Ironically these are the steps we went through as we moved through this process.
One simple method to begin practicing self-love is to get into the habit of speaking to yourself in a positive and supportive way – start speaking to yourself, as when you are speaking to a good old friend.
"If someone talked to you the way you talk to yourself, you would have kicked them out of your life long ago."
-- Carla Gordon
Concluding thoughts:
Self-worth comes from within. It doesn't rely on our results or on what people say or think about us. It instead relies upon an internal state of being that's built upon awareness, acceptance, and love. Where self-esteem is a state of "doing", self-worth is a state of "being". When we go from "doing" to "being." That's when we gain true Personal Power.
“We are human being, not human doing”
--Daila lama
For me, understanding this truth didn’t come with one massive blow to the ego; it happened in gradual shifts and I am continuously practicing above disciplines that help me remember my unconditional worth and live a beautifully fulfilled and blessed life.